Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids by Anne Dohrenwend Page A

said, “Thanks for the tip, Mom. See you later,” but instead Keith assumes the role of a young child. He does what he is told and then whines about it. Adults and young adults who forfeit their power run the risk of never fully assuming control of it. Adolescent power has limits while the teen remains a minor and under his or her parents’ guardianship.
    LGBTQs who anticipate parental disapproval might decide to delay coming out. Those who are enmeshed with their parents might feel that such an announcement would be doomed to provoke a powerful, even explosive parental reaction. If this occurs, the enmeshed child is likely to respond with equal intensity, either imploding (depression and suicide) or exploding (intense anger directed toward the parents).
    Because there is not a clear boundary between self and other, enmeshed parents are at risk for commenting without editing. If they have not dealt with their homophobia, they may say deeply hurtful things. In addition, they are likely to try to assert control over decisions that should be left to the child, such as when to disclose, to whom to disclose and even whom to date.
    Dr. Laurie Heatherington of Williams College and Justin Lavner of the University of California, Los Angeles, reviewed family systems therapists’ opinions about coming out. They found that positive parental reactions to coming out are associated with fewer negative feelings about a child’s growing autonomy and more positive feelingsabout the parent-child relationship (feelings of closeness and empathy). 2 Similarly, LGBs who report more secure attachments to parents as measured by the effective quality of the attachment, parental fostering of autonomy and parental emotional support are more likely to be out and to be out for a longer period of time to their parents and are less likely to report depressive thoughts about self, others and the future. 3 Heatherington and Lavner explain that negative parental reactions to coming out can hinder a child’s efforts in attaining autonomy (which is necessary for identity development) while remaining emotionally connected to parents.
    For these reasons I’ve cited, it is important for parents to recognize the line that separates them from their children. In young adulthood, that line is relatively new. One may think of it as drawn in chalk, where it can be rethought, scratched out and drawn again. If you can’t find the boundary between you and your teenage child, sit down together and map one out. If attempts to talk calmly and respectfully about differences degrade into arguments and hurt feelings, consider obtaining the guidance of a family therapist to help re-chart the parent-child relationship and develop a new rapport.
    Let’s return to Keith’s situation and add sexual orientation. Keith and his parents attend a church that preaches against homosexuality. Keith is painfully aware of this because, for several years, he’s been fighting homosexual feelings. The harder he fights the feelings, the stronger they become, until it is all he can think about. He feels he has to tell someone. His father is more conservative than his mother, so he decides to tell his mother. For all their bickering, he knows she loves him. When he tells his mom, “I think I’m gay,” she takes him to the preacher. Together they tell Keith’s father, who is no happier than Keith’s mother to hear the news. The family and preacher talk and pray together until Keith convinces them that the “problem” is resolved.
    Keith begins attending college and he and another student fall in love. This time, Keith knows better than to tell his parents, but Keith’s parents visit Keith’s dormitory without calling first and find Keith and his partner kissing. This ignites a loud, tearful argument.
    When Keith is twenty years old and in his third year of college, his dad has softened a bit. He even asks Keith’s partner to come along when they go out to lunch. Keith’s mom is