much,’ observed Miss Jessica Jordan crisply. ‘It is not becoming. Here is a sovereign. Pray go to the baths to repair your appearance, and buy yourself a modest gown of grey wool. Antoine – drive on!’
She tossed the coin on to the ground. Miss Jordan’s coach bowled off into the distance, whilst Miss Flora scrabbled in the cloud of dust for the sovereign.
Geography was particularly dull. They were studying the coalfields of Pittsburgh. This just added to Jess’s bad temper. Why, with the whole glorious world at their disposal, did geography teachers always choose coalfields and marshes to talk about? Why didn’t they talk about rainforests full of monkeys or South Sea islands, with strips of dazzling sand and coconut palms? Jess was supposed to be making a list of coalfields in North America – an activity so dull as to be a non-chemical alternative to sleeping pills. Instead she made a list of reasons why she hated Flora. It went like this:
1. Great beauty and no fatty bits: slim and yet large boobs (unfair!)
2. Great wealth
3. Great intelligence: straight As in every subject
4. Mother also tactlessly beautiful: has probably had a facelift
5. Parents not divorced, but appear to be happily married (aliens possibly?!)
6. Father rich and masterful. Would never shout at his car, and i t ’s a Mercedes
7. Their car would never break down (see above)
8. Several bathrooms, all with gold taps
9. Have to take shoes off in her house as if i t ’s a mosque
10. Boys all look at her and drool like very large dogs looking at a bone
At this point Mr Chapman unexpectedly asked Jess to read out her list of coalfields.
After detention, Jess walked out of school with the deepest of depressions draped over her shoulders like a coat of lead. But there, waiting for her, were Flora and Jodie Gordon, spot queen of the CCTV footage.
‘Jess!’ cried Flora. ‘I’m so so sorry! I was so horrible! I so hate it when we have a row! I’ve got you a chocolate bar and some Pepsi and I’m gonna give you my stripy top – the one you like in black and gold. Please forgive me!’
OK, she wasn’t actually grovelling in the dust, in rags, but it was a handsome apology. And Jess was starving.
They hugged each other and got stuck into the chocolate. Jodie had some mini eclairs, so it was a real choc fest.
‘I was caught on that film as well,’ Jodie said. ‘I’ve just been telling Flora. I went in there and squeezed my spots for hours. If they’d showed it to everybody I’d have died! Boys are just pigs and we should never split up because of them!’
‘Yeah, boys are the enemy!’ agreed Flora.
Jess thought of all the good times she and Flora had had since they first met years ago. Jodie was right. It was crazy for girls’ friendships to be ruined by mere beings from Mars – aliens.
They walked off arm in arm, all three of them. There’s nothing like chocolate for cheering you up.
‘Boys are animals,’ said Jodie. Her mother was a feminist, too.
‘Yeah,’ agreed Jess. ‘For a start, Carter is an elephant. Although that is rather unkind to elephants. And Whizzer is a gorilla – although he lacks the gorilla’s high I.Q.’
‘What about Ben Jones?’ said Flora teasingly.
Jess gritted her teeth. ‘He reminds me of a certain kind of camel,’ she said fearlessly. ‘And as for Mackenzie, he’s one of those bushbaby things that comes out at night. With very endearing faces and curly fur, but a horrid ferocious bite.’
Flora looked relieved. It seemed her sweetheart had got off lightly.
‘And what about Jack?’ asked Jodie.
Jess thought about Tiffany’s brother, he who had had the idea of setting up the bathroom camera in the first place.
‘He’s a vile loathsome poisonous tarantula spider,’ said Jess. ‘He even has black hairy legs – I saw them last summer at the pool. It
She tossed the coin on to the ground. Miss Jordan’s coach bowled off into the distance, whilst Miss Flora scrabbled in the cloud of dust for the sovereign.
Geography was particularly dull. They were studying the coalfields of Pittsburgh. This just added to Jess’s bad temper. Why, with the whole glorious world at their disposal, did geography teachers always choose coalfields and marshes to talk about? Why didn’t they talk about rainforests full of monkeys or South Sea islands, with strips of dazzling sand and coconut palms? Jess was supposed to be making a list of coalfields in North America – an activity so dull as to be a non-chemical alternative to sleeping pills. Instead she made a list of reasons why she hated Flora. It went like this:
1. Great beauty and no fatty bits: slim and yet large boobs (unfair!)
2. Great wealth
3. Great intelligence: straight As in every subject
4. Mother also tactlessly beautiful: has probably had a facelift
5. Parents not divorced, but appear to be happily married (aliens possibly?!)
6. Father rich and masterful. Would never shout at his car, and i t ’s a Mercedes
7. Their car would never break down (see above)
8. Several bathrooms, all with gold taps
9. Have to take shoes off in her house as if i t ’s a mosque
10. Boys all look at her and drool like very large dogs looking at a bone
At this point Mr Chapman unexpectedly asked Jess to read out her list of coalfields.
After detention, Jess walked out of school with the deepest of depressions draped over her shoulders like a coat of lead. But there, waiting for her, were Flora and Jodie Gordon, spot queen of the CCTV footage.
‘Jess!’ cried Flora. ‘I’m so so sorry! I was so horrible! I so hate it when we have a row! I’ve got you a chocolate bar and some Pepsi and I’m gonna give you my stripy top – the one you like in black and gold. Please forgive me!’
OK, she wasn’t actually grovelling in the dust, in rags, but it was a handsome apology. And Jess was starving.
They hugged each other and got stuck into the chocolate. Jodie had some mini eclairs, so it was a real choc fest.
‘I was caught on that film as well,’ Jodie said. ‘I’ve just been telling Flora. I went in there and squeezed my spots for hours. If they’d showed it to everybody I’d have died! Boys are just pigs and we should never split up because of them!’
‘Yeah, boys are the enemy!’ agreed Flora.
Jess thought of all the good times she and Flora had had since they first met years ago. Jodie was right. It was crazy for girls’ friendships to be ruined by mere beings from Mars – aliens.
They walked off arm in arm, all three of them. There’s nothing like chocolate for cheering you up.
‘Boys are animals,’ said Jodie. Her mother was a feminist, too.
‘Yeah,’ agreed Jess. ‘For a start, Carter is an elephant. Although that is rather unkind to elephants. And Whizzer is a gorilla – although he lacks the gorilla’s high I.Q.’
‘What about Ben Jones?’ said Flora teasingly.
Jess gritted her teeth. ‘He reminds me of a certain kind of camel,’ she said fearlessly. ‘And as for Mackenzie, he’s one of those bushbaby things that comes out at night. With very endearing faces and curly fur, but a horrid ferocious bite.’
Flora looked relieved. It seemed her sweetheart had got off lightly.
‘And what about Jack?’ asked Jodie.
Jess thought about Tiffany’s brother, he who had had the idea of setting up the bathroom camera in the first place.
‘He’s a vile loathsome poisonous tarantula spider,’ said Jess. ‘He even has black hairy legs – I saw them last summer at the pool. It
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