referring to my lack of appetite. My lack of appetite was due to none other than the stress of Logan's return but how was she to know that? I certainly wasn't going to tell her.
"No Mom, we don't," I replied trying to sound as polite as possible. I knew she was just worried but it still frustrated me the way she monitored everything I ate. It had been over a year since I'd skipped a meal on purpose. I self diagnosed myself as better but I knew there was still the fear from others my eating disorder would come back again. I was finally in a place where I felt I had control, in just a few weeks I'd be off to college and I wouldn't have anyone looking over my shoulder at least.
"Well for my peace of mind it would be nice if you ate something," she said handing me a blueberry muffin from the batch she just made.
I accepted it, removed the paper case and took a bite. I suspect there was nothing wrong with the taste but I struggled to finish it. Everything tasted bland lately, a side effect of being stressed I suppose. I sat at the kitchen counter scrolling through my Instagram feed, trying to distract myself.
"Are you sure you don't want to come to the airport tonight? It would be nice if we were all there together," Mom said. Her and Chris were picking up Logan tonight.
"I can't Mom, I have plans with Caleb, I really don't think Logan would care if I was there or not, he pretty much hates me," I replied nonchalantly pretending to play on my phone. The truth was my eyes were glazed over and my stomach was in knots. I had known for weeks that Logan was coming home but it didn't make me feel any more prepared. I was riding on the time in between his arrival and my leaving for college, going by quickly.
"He doesn't hate you Willow," she said sighing "he cares about us all, he just has a funny way of showing it, plus I truly believe he's finally grown up a bit," Mom knew things with Logan and I had been tense but as far as she thought it was just your regular step-sibling loathing.
"Yeah well, we'll see about that," I replied.
Mom and Chris had spent a month with him in the Philippines earlier in the year. Logan was there doing volunteer work in an orphanage. I don't know if it would be right to say he was forced to go but there was definitely a lot of pressure for him to do so. He'd been in trouble with the law and was heading down a bad road; drinking, drugs, fighting. Chris told him this was "the time to turn his life around", it surprised us all when he got on that plane last year.
I went upstairs to my room closing the door behind me. I reached under my bed and pulled out the re-decorated shoe box I kept there. I had no idea why I kept this old thing, I had made it in junior high and it was tacky and childish. Still, the contents was what mattered to me, it was full of photos and letters and little souvenirs - all of them having something to do with Logan. I picked up a polaroid photo of the two of us running my thumb across the glossy paper. It was my sixteenth birthday. We looked happy, we were happy. I barely remember the last time I smiled like that, I wondered if Logan had ever smiled like that since then. He looked smaller than the last time I saw him, not that he was ever small, he had always been tall and muscular but nothing like the last night I saw him. He had shaved off his shoulder length blonde hair and rocked this marine look, tattoos covered his arms and chest, I had never been close enough to see what they were.
In the last year I had written him over a hundred letters but I held on to them still, I kept them in the box. I stopped writing Logan letters not long after me and Caleb made it official. Writing letters kept me from internalising my pain, but writing the words down now only made me feel guilty, like I was betraying Caleb, like I was betraying myself. I didn't want to admit that the flame I held for Logan was still there. I cared about my boyfriend Caleb, he treated
"No Mom, we don't," I replied trying to sound as polite as possible. I knew she was just worried but it still frustrated me the way she monitored everything I ate. It had been over a year since I'd skipped a meal on purpose. I self diagnosed myself as better but I knew there was still the fear from others my eating disorder would come back again. I was finally in a place where I felt I had control, in just a few weeks I'd be off to college and I wouldn't have anyone looking over my shoulder at least.
"Well for my peace of mind it would be nice if you ate something," she said handing me a blueberry muffin from the batch she just made.
I accepted it, removed the paper case and took a bite. I suspect there was nothing wrong with the taste but I struggled to finish it. Everything tasted bland lately, a side effect of being stressed I suppose. I sat at the kitchen counter scrolling through my Instagram feed, trying to distract myself.
"Are you sure you don't want to come to the airport tonight? It would be nice if we were all there together," Mom said. Her and Chris were picking up Logan tonight.
"I can't Mom, I have plans with Caleb, I really don't think Logan would care if I was there or not, he pretty much hates me," I replied nonchalantly pretending to play on my phone. The truth was my eyes were glazed over and my stomach was in knots. I had known for weeks that Logan was coming home but it didn't make me feel any more prepared. I was riding on the time in between his arrival and my leaving for college, going by quickly.
"He doesn't hate you Willow," she said sighing "he cares about us all, he just has a funny way of showing it, plus I truly believe he's finally grown up a bit," Mom knew things with Logan and I had been tense but as far as she thought it was just your regular step-sibling loathing.
"Yeah well, we'll see about that," I replied.
Mom and Chris had spent a month with him in the Philippines earlier in the year. Logan was there doing volunteer work in an orphanage. I don't know if it would be right to say he was forced to go but there was definitely a lot of pressure for him to do so. He'd been in trouble with the law and was heading down a bad road; drinking, drugs, fighting. Chris told him this was "the time to turn his life around", it surprised us all when he got on that plane last year.
I went upstairs to my room closing the door behind me. I reached under my bed and pulled out the re-decorated shoe box I kept there. I had no idea why I kept this old thing, I had made it in junior high and it was tacky and childish. Still, the contents was what mattered to me, it was full of photos and letters and little souvenirs - all of them having something to do with Logan. I picked up a polaroid photo of the two of us running my thumb across the glossy paper. It was my sixteenth birthday. We looked happy, we were happy. I barely remember the last time I smiled like that, I wondered if Logan had ever smiled like that since then. He looked smaller than the last time I saw him, not that he was ever small, he had always been tall and muscular but nothing like the last night I saw him. He had shaved off his shoulder length blonde hair and rocked this marine look, tattoos covered his arms and chest, I had never been close enough to see what they were.
In the last year I had written him over a hundred letters but I held on to them still, I kept them in the box. I stopped writing Logan letters not long after me and Caleb made it official. Writing letters kept me from internalising my pain, but writing the words down now only made me feel guilty, like I was betraying Caleb, like I was betraying myself. I didn't want to admit that the flame I held for Logan was still there. I cared about my boyfriend Caleb, he treated
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