important qualities in a relationship are?” Frances asks in a soft, low voice, after a long pause.
“Absolutely. I’d be very curious to know...”
“Communication,” she says, emphatically. “Honest communication.”
“Yes,” I agree. “Honesty, integrity, loyalty and definitely honest communication. And Zen, lots of Zen.”
“Be careful what you wish for,” says Frances and smiles a sexy little smile.
We stop for lunch at a roadside diner but unfortunately the change of locale does not inspire a change of topic.
“I only want to have a conscious relationship with my mate from here on out,” says Frances, as we receive our menus. “I’m done with…” Frances pauses, and looks like maybe she is tearing up? What is on her mind? Painful memories, perhaps? “…losers,” she finishes and smiles.
“I was joking around about the whole Zen thing but obviously it’s very important to you…this conscious relationship business is a Zen thing?”
“Zen encompasses everything: how you live your life and so on. When applied to a relationship between two people, it means that we practice being conscious of everything, as we go along.”
“Conscious of everything?” I ask. Again, she laughs a little.
“It sounds grandiose when I try to describe it but it basically means having an honest communication with each other, talking about the stuff no one ever wants to talk about...practicing being aware.”
“Like this conversation, for instance?”
“Exactly. Let’s say you’re jealous but you don’t say anything and instead you act out, and try to get back at me in other ways, being passive-aggressive and so on. People’s feelings get hurt all the time but our tendency is to keep our pain to ourselves and then we either lash out at the world or the other person or try to bury it inside, where it festers into a cancer or something. Either way, it’s unhealthy for the person and the person that they’re with. Obviously the relationship suffers, if not right away, then sometime down the road as all the hurts and resentments build up to one great blow up and kaput, end of relationship.”
“I see,” I say, casually looking over the menu and then in my best Kung Fu grasshopper voice: “I have seen that you give this great thought. That is good, grasshopper.” I thought I did a pretty good impression and considering her vintage I was sure she would get the reference but from her expression, she either didn’t get it or didn’t think it was funny.
“Don’t take this the wrong way but are you aware that when you’re uncomfortable or feeling a bit out of your depth, you make jokes?” she then asks.
Ouch.
“I like to think I make jokes to…lighten the mood, not get too serious, you know?”
“Why are you afraid of being serious? Being serious makes you feel uncomfortable? I’m not criticizing you or trying to make you feel bad and if I am, I’m sorry. But this is a perfect example of what Zen is: being aware of what you do and why you do things. What are you feeling right now? Do you want to punch me?”
“Just a little,” I say, then quickly add, “I’m joking.”
“Because you’re uncomfortable with your feelings?”
“I guess.”
“It’s perfectly okay to feel like you want to punch someone, that’s an instinctual human response. The feeling is a healthy one but denying it is harmful. What the Zen Buddhists would do when they had such an aggressive impulse is…or any impulse, for that matter, is acknowledge it. They would say to themselves something like, ‘I’m feeling angry, in this moment, I’m feeling angry,’ and in this way, by acknowledging it, the anger dissipates. Feeling angry, they didn’t lash out and they didn’t judge the feeling as being wrong or bad and try to bury it inside.”
“I’m feeling hungry.”
“Let’s order. Know what you want?”
Even when the food arrives, Frances is still talking Zen. I like to think that I have an open mind but
“Absolutely. I’d be very curious to know...”
“Communication,” she says, emphatically. “Honest communication.”
“Yes,” I agree. “Honesty, integrity, loyalty and definitely honest communication. And Zen, lots of Zen.”
“Be careful what you wish for,” says Frances and smiles a sexy little smile.
We stop for lunch at a roadside diner but unfortunately the change of locale does not inspire a change of topic.
“I only want to have a conscious relationship with my mate from here on out,” says Frances, as we receive our menus. “I’m done with…” Frances pauses, and looks like maybe she is tearing up? What is on her mind? Painful memories, perhaps? “…losers,” she finishes and smiles.
“I was joking around about the whole Zen thing but obviously it’s very important to you…this conscious relationship business is a Zen thing?”
“Zen encompasses everything: how you live your life and so on. When applied to a relationship between two people, it means that we practice being conscious of everything, as we go along.”
“Conscious of everything?” I ask. Again, she laughs a little.
“It sounds grandiose when I try to describe it but it basically means having an honest communication with each other, talking about the stuff no one ever wants to talk about...practicing being aware.”
“Like this conversation, for instance?”
“Exactly. Let’s say you’re jealous but you don’t say anything and instead you act out, and try to get back at me in other ways, being passive-aggressive and so on. People’s feelings get hurt all the time but our tendency is to keep our pain to ourselves and then we either lash out at the world or the other person or try to bury it inside, where it festers into a cancer or something. Either way, it’s unhealthy for the person and the person that they’re with. Obviously the relationship suffers, if not right away, then sometime down the road as all the hurts and resentments build up to one great blow up and kaput, end of relationship.”
“I see,” I say, casually looking over the menu and then in my best Kung Fu grasshopper voice: “I have seen that you give this great thought. That is good, grasshopper.” I thought I did a pretty good impression and considering her vintage I was sure she would get the reference but from her expression, she either didn’t get it or didn’t think it was funny.
“Don’t take this the wrong way but are you aware that when you’re uncomfortable or feeling a bit out of your depth, you make jokes?” she then asks.
Ouch.
“I like to think I make jokes to…lighten the mood, not get too serious, you know?”
“Why are you afraid of being serious? Being serious makes you feel uncomfortable? I’m not criticizing you or trying to make you feel bad and if I am, I’m sorry. But this is a perfect example of what Zen is: being aware of what you do and why you do things. What are you feeling right now? Do you want to punch me?”
“Just a little,” I say, then quickly add, “I’m joking.”
“Because you’re uncomfortable with your feelings?”
“I guess.”
“It’s perfectly okay to feel like you want to punch someone, that’s an instinctual human response. The feeling is a healthy one but denying it is harmful. What the Zen Buddhists would do when they had such an aggressive impulse is…or any impulse, for that matter, is acknowledge it. They would say to themselves something like, ‘I’m feeling angry, in this moment, I’m feeling angry,’ and in this way, by acknowledging it, the anger dissipates. Feeling angry, they didn’t lash out and they didn’t judge the feeling as being wrong or bad and try to bury it inside.”
“I’m feeling hungry.”
“Let’s order. Know what you want?”
Even when the food arrives, Frances is still talking Zen. I like to think that I have an open mind but
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