Cancer on Five Dollars a Day* *(chemo not included): How Humor Got Me through the Toughest Journey of My Life by Robert Schimmel

afternoon with some crazy lady and her rock collection. Like I would ever do that.”
    So the next day at two I’m lying in bed with candles burning on my nightstand, while Inez, a woman in sandals and a flowing floral robe, hovers over me, her fists closed and bulging with crystals, Yanni singing from her portable CD player.
    By the way, I’m pretty sure I’ve discovered the cure for cancer.
    Yanni.
    If I beat this thing, it’s because the cancer cells couldn’t stand Yanni anymore. They packed up and got the hell out of my body as fast as they could so they wouldn’t have to listen to any more of that music.
    “How you doing, Robert?” Inez speaks in a superhigh voice loaded with sympathy. Her voice is birdlike. She chirps.
    “Fine. Doing great.”
    “That’s wonderful. Okay. What we’re going to do is locate your seven chakras. You know what a chakra is?”
    “An ice cream flavor?”
    Inez chirps, “Not quite. Your seven chakras are the areas in your body that need to be aligned and in balance to promote health and healing. They’re your meditative spots. Including, by the way, your third eye. Your disease blocks your chakras, clogs them up, so to speak. The crystals, specifically the one you choose, will help in the unclogging, alignment, and balancing. Understand?”
    I don’t have the vaguest idea what she’s talking about. “Got it,” I say.
    “Great. Robert, you’re very spiritual.” Chirp, chirp, chirp.
    “Okay, now close your eyes.”
    I do. I smell a whiff of strawberry wafting over from the candles. Behind me, Yanni’s yowling as if he’s got somebody’s thumb up his ass.
    “Now, I want you to hold out your hands. At the same time, I’m going to hold out a selection of crystals. With your eyes closed, pick one.”
    “What am I feeling for?”
    “The right one. For you.” She pauses. “I don’t have to say anything more. You’ll just know.”
    I shrug and close my eyes. I wonder how this would look to Dr. Lugo if he walked in now. Not sure I’d be able to explain the crystal lady to him. I might just go with, Okay, doc, here’s the truth. I’m an easy mark.
    “Robert,” Inez tweets, “the main thing is to clear your mind. Don’t think. Feel. ”
    I nod and reach out my hand. My fingers fumble through the crystals in Inez’s hand, four or five cool, smooth, jagged little torpedoes. I touch each of them, and then I feel my fingers involuntarily closing around one near the hook of her thumb.
    “This one,” I say. “Yeah. This is the one.”
    “ Per fect,” Inez trills.
    I open my eyes and observe the pale blue stone pressed into my palm.
    “You’ve chosen kyanite,” she says. “Kyanite is the absolute best stone for aligning the chakras. And it helps you communicate with your spirit guides and angels.”
    “Sounds like I’m already dead.”
    “Not quite,” Inez says.
    “Just curious,” I say, rolling my crystal around in my fingers. “How much does one of these cost? Roughly.”
    “The kyanite is one of your less expensive stones. The top price is only about eighty dollars. Then, of course, you can always add a setting, for a ring, say, or a necklace, and that’ll drive the price up. I actually brought a catalogue. We sell the stones, and accessories as well.”
    “Eighty bucks, huh? Seems like a bargain for something that allows me to communicate with my spirit guide.”
    “I know. Good thing you didn’t choose amethyst. Those can run you over two thousand dollars.” Inez laughs. Then shifts into a tone that’s all business. “Okay, Robert, I want you to lie down, close your eyes, hold your kyanite stone to your chest, and try to focus only on your crystal. Concentrate on it. Give it your full attention. Can you do that?”
    “I’ll try.”
    “I’ll guide you through it,” Inez says.
    I happily go with her. She, too, chooses to send me off on a sandy beach under a soft, soothing blue sky. Fine by me. I love the ocean. I feel connected to it. In