to…
“We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind. We are the authorities on improving conditions. Crimanon [a program that treats criminals]. We can rehabilitate criminals. We can bring peace and unite cultures. That once you know these tools and you know that they work, it’s not good enough that I’m just doing okay.
“Traveling the world and meeting the people that I’ve met, you know, talking with these leaders in various fields, [pause] they want help, and they are depending on people who know and who can be effective, and do it, and that’s us. That is our responsibility to do that. It is the time now. Now is the time. It is being a Scientologist, people are turning to you, and you better know it, and if you don’t, you know, go and learn it. [Laughs] but don’t pretend you know it, or whatever.
“It’s like, we’re here to help. If you’re a Scientologist, you see life, things, the way they are, in all it’s glory, in all of its complexity, and the more you know as a Scientologist, the more you become overwhelmed by it. [Laughs again, clapping hands]
“I wish the world was a different place, I’d like to go on vacation, play, and just do that. Know what I mean? I mean that’s how I want it to be. There’s times I’d like to do that, but I can’t because I know, I know, so, you know, I have to do something about it…It’s not…
“You can just see the look in their eyes. You know the ones who are doing it, and you know the spectators [dabblers in Scientology, the worst], the ones who are going, ‘Well, it’s easy for you. That thing, I’ve canceled that in my area.
“[Laughs] It’s like, man, you’re either in or you’re out. That spectatorism, I’ve no time for it. That is something we have no time for now.
“So it’s our responsibility to educate, create the new reality. We have that responsibility to say, hey, this is the way it should be done. We do it this way and people are actually getting better. Let’s get it done. Let’s get it really done.
“Have enough love, compassion and toughness, that you’re going to do it, and do it right.”
Announcer: “A Scientologist can be defined by a single question: ‘Would you want others to achieve the knowledge you now have?’ In answering that question, Tom Cruise has introduced LRH[L. Ron Hubbard] technology to over one billion people of Earth, and that’s only the first wave he’s unleashed, which is why the story of Tom Cruise, Scientologist, has only just begun.”
In another video to emerge, Tom Cruise takes credit for saving the lives of hundreds of poisoned workers at the World Trade Center site, and calls federal officials “liars.”
He saves workers. Unites world cultures. Rehabilitates criminals, performs sonograms. And the one billion people on Earth he’s reached are just the start.
Next: Tom walks on water. Or is there water in outer space?
10
Crapping Out, One Baby at a Time
BRANGELINA
It’s his blood. It’s in a…I think it’s supposed to be for pressed flowers.
—Angelina Jolie displays a charm containing Billy Bob Thornton’s blood to Larry King, August 4, 2001
I think we’ll crap out somewhere between seven and nine.
—Brad Pitt tells Charlie Rose the number of children he wants to produce with Angelina, December 17, 2007
T HEY GO TOGETHER , like Hollywood and glamour. Like tattoos and body piercings. Like celebutards and their self-appointed mission to save the planet. They are Angelina Jolie, the bisexual, blood-obsessed, brother-kissing, Illustrated Woman who could badly use a sandwich, and Brad Pitt, the somewhat dim, Angelina-obsessed hunk who could badly use a shave.
Without the benefit of marriage, they have adopted children from around the world, and birthed one of their own in a Namibian clinic and two more in France. Despite demanding film careers and a globe-trotting life-style—their kids have attended more schools in a single
Ellen Kushner, Delia Sherman
Kristabel Reed
Alyssa Alexander
Carol Wolf
Dawn Pendleton, Magan Vernon
Mary McCarthy
Meg Cabot
P. J. Thorndyke
Benjamin Sperduto
Bennett R. Coles