Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It by Leslie Becker-Phelps Page A

Emotion
    Intertwined with naming your emotions is the
way
that you identify them. You must step out of your experiences enough to be able to make sense of them. This stepping out lessens your immersion in your emotions—even if only for a moment. To help you understand, consider how you feel right now. Really, please do that right now. I can wait a minute.
    Notice how you shifted from thinking about focusing on your feelings to paying attention to your feelings to thinking about the label for them. This ability to shift attention can be very helpful in allowing you to
have
your feelings while not getting
consumed
by them—especially when they’re strong feelings.
    The best way to practice this is with low-intensity emotions, which have less of a chance of overwhelming you. Just as you stopped moments ago to consider your feelings, make it a practice to do this at different times during your day. For example, you can do it at mealtime, before leaving your house in the morning, or upon arriving at your office. The important point is for you to learn how to guide the way you experience your emotions—heightening your awareness of them, and moving between being
in
them and consciously
observing
them.
    With practice, you will be better able to do this with more intense emotions. And the better you are at doing it, the freer you will be to view your situation with some perspective—and perhaps consider alternative ways to understand or respond to your situation.
    If, like many people, you have some trouble identifying your specific emotions, don’t worry. That’s a common problem, and one that an exercise in the next chapter will address.
     
    Awareness of Thoughts
    How you experience yourself and your beliefs about yourself is affected by your thinking. For instance, you reinforce self-doubts and low self-esteem when you repeat beliefs, such as “Danny doesn’t really love me. He just stays with me because he feels sorry for me.” Those thoughts also trigger emotions, such as sadness and fear of rejection.
    Whether you realize it or not, you have a running subtext of thoughts throughout your day. Bringing that subtext to consciousness can be extremely helpful in learning how you perpetuate unhappiness within yourself and your relationship. With that awareness, you also have an opportunity to work on change. Sometimes even just the awareness itself is enough to facilitate change.
    Exercise: Experimenting with Your Thoughts
    This simple exercise is a powerful demonstration of how your thinking affects you on many levels. Find a quiet place to complete it. It will take only a few minutes.
    Sit comfortably, take a deep breath or two, and close your eyes.
    Slowly scan your body from your toes up to the top of your head.
Be aware of any sensations, such as muscle tension, the sensation of breathing, or your heart beating.
    Bring to mind a negative thought about yourself.
Pick one that you tend to struggle with. Hold it in your mind and repeat it.
    Pay attention to how this affects you.
What sensations do you feel? How does it affect your emotions and your thoughts?
    It’s likely that you will feel worse when you focus on negative self-perceptions. You might notice increased tightness in your chest or churning in your stomach. You might also be aware of feeling sad or angry with yourself, or of having a cascade of other negative thoughts.
    Now do this exercise again—but a little differently. Before beginning, think of a time when you felt good about yourself. What positive thoughts did you have about yourself? Use these thoughts as the focus as you complete this exercise. If you tend to be self-critical or slow to appreciate your positive qualities, you will find this more difficult to do. However, in doing it, you will notice more positive experiences (even if they’re fleeting), such as more relaxed muscles, a sense of being lighter or happier, and maybe even more positive thoughts.
     
    Mentalizing
    The third, and last,