Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It by Leslie Becker-Phelps
Authors: Leslie Becker-Phelps
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they are drowning in them.
To help clarify, consider someone who is grieving over the death of a close friend. If this person is frightened by or wants to avoid his grief, he might shut off his feelings, leaving him stuck in emotional numbness (though protected from the pain) and unable to truly connect with others in a deep way. In contrast, someone who is more accepting of grief is generally able to share it with loved ones and maintain emotionally close relationships. Although struggling with negative emotions is always painful, those who can self-regulate effectively do not feel emotional suffering (distress about their distress) as much as people who fight their emotions.
Sometimes people think that acknowledging a difficult situation means that they then need to either be resigned to it or act on it. If they are not prepared to do either, they try to deny their experience. And in the end, they remain distressed without a way to address it.
For example, Amelia doesn’t want to accept that her husband is unkind to her because she fears that she would then need to either leave him, which she is not ready to do, or permanently resign herself to being unhappy. Actually, her feelings do not mean either of these things. They simply mean that she is unhappy right now. Once she acknowledges and accepts this, she will feel in sync with herself, which will give her a different perspective on her problem. She will likely develop new realizations and options—like discovering she would actually be happier without him, or that they can work on their marriage together. Of course, she can always decide to resign herself to the situation; but even then she would be doing it with a different frame of mind, which might enable her to consciously decide the best ways to continue within the marriage.
Distinguishing Thoughts and Emotions
It is important to know the difference between thoughts and feelings. You may be surprised to find out that many people confuse them. For instance, it would not be uncommon for someone to say, “I feel like I was too quiet on that date.” This, of course, is a thought and not an emotion. Emotions are a combination of being aroused in a particular way and the meaning we put to that arousal. So you might
feel embarrassed
about not saying much on a date.
When people mistake their thoughts for emotions, their real emotions remain unexplored. Simply recognizing this mistake and then focusing on feelings often leads people to
experience
themselves in a more emotional way. For instance, once you realize you feel embarrassed, you might also realize you are afraid of being judged. And then you can seek reassurance or support; or you might realize that your fear is unnecessary.
To illustrate how poor emotional self-awareness can be a problem, consider a situation that frequently occurs in therapy. A woman—let’s use the name Maxine—is struggling with her husband’s infidelity. She says, “I feel like I can’t trust him anymore. And, really, how can I? He would tell me he was at work when he was really…” And off she goes, telling me all about the awful things he has done. Her speech is rapid and she sounds angry—the more she talks, the more upset, overwhelmed, and confused she becomes. Despite being emotional, her suspicions and the examples of his dishonesty are thoughts, not feelings. So I refocus her on what she is feeling. With some prompting, she acknowledges feeling angry, betrayed, sad, scared, and hurt. She cries as she connects with all of these emotions; and she feels heard. Despite the cliché of a therapist trying to get patients to cry, my focus (and the helpful part of this interchange) is to connect her with her feelings and help her feel heard; crying is just the inevitable outcome of her doing that. Whether or not she wants to work on fixing her marriage, she is in touch with the pain that needs healing, and so she can begin to work on easing that pain.
Exercise: Opening Up to
To help clarify, consider someone who is grieving over the death of a close friend. If this person is frightened by or wants to avoid his grief, he might shut off his feelings, leaving him stuck in emotional numbness (though protected from the pain) and unable to truly connect with others in a deep way. In contrast, someone who is more accepting of grief is generally able to share it with loved ones and maintain emotionally close relationships. Although struggling with negative emotions is always painful, those who can self-regulate effectively do not feel emotional suffering (distress about their distress) as much as people who fight their emotions.
Sometimes people think that acknowledging a difficult situation means that they then need to either be resigned to it or act on it. If they are not prepared to do either, they try to deny their experience. And in the end, they remain distressed without a way to address it.
For example, Amelia doesn’t want to accept that her husband is unkind to her because she fears that she would then need to either leave him, which she is not ready to do, or permanently resign herself to being unhappy. Actually, her feelings do not mean either of these things. They simply mean that she is unhappy right now. Once she acknowledges and accepts this, she will feel in sync with herself, which will give her a different perspective on her problem. She will likely develop new realizations and options—like discovering she would actually be happier without him, or that they can work on their marriage together. Of course, she can always decide to resign herself to the situation; but even then she would be doing it with a different frame of mind, which might enable her to consciously decide the best ways to continue within the marriage.
Distinguishing Thoughts and Emotions
It is important to know the difference between thoughts and feelings. You may be surprised to find out that many people confuse them. For instance, it would not be uncommon for someone to say, “I feel like I was too quiet on that date.” This, of course, is a thought and not an emotion. Emotions are a combination of being aroused in a particular way and the meaning we put to that arousal. So you might
feel embarrassed
about not saying much on a date.
When people mistake their thoughts for emotions, their real emotions remain unexplored. Simply recognizing this mistake and then focusing on feelings often leads people to
experience
themselves in a more emotional way. For instance, once you realize you feel embarrassed, you might also realize you are afraid of being judged. And then you can seek reassurance or support; or you might realize that your fear is unnecessary.
To illustrate how poor emotional self-awareness can be a problem, consider a situation that frequently occurs in therapy. A woman—let’s use the name Maxine—is struggling with her husband’s infidelity. She says, “I feel like I can’t trust him anymore. And, really, how can I? He would tell me he was at work when he was really…” And off she goes, telling me all about the awful things he has done. Her speech is rapid and she sounds angry—the more she talks, the more upset, overwhelmed, and confused she becomes. Despite being emotional, her suspicions and the examples of his dishonesty are thoughts, not feelings. So I refocus her on what she is feeling. With some prompting, she acknowledges feeling angry, betrayed, sad, scared, and hurt. She cries as she connects with all of these emotions; and she feels heard. Despite the cliché of a therapist trying to get patients to cry, my focus (and the helpful part of this interchange) is to connect her with her feelings and help her feel heard; crying is just the inevitable outcome of her doing that. Whether or not she wants to work on fixing her marriage, she is in touch with the pain that needs healing, and so she can begin to work on easing that pain.
Exercise: Opening Up to
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