The Date (Single Wide Female in Love #1) by Lillianna Blake

body craved it, as did my spirit.
    The question was, could I have it with Ben?
    I realized that during the meditation Ben hadn’t even entered my thoughts. Maybe the problem was that I had too many romantic loose ends roaming around in my mind.
    There was Max, who I’d come to understand would always be there in some way. Then there was Blue, who, despite our rocky relationship lately, apparently stirred the deepest desire in me. No wonder I felt no spark with Ben. There wasn’t any left for him!
    As I walked back to my apartment, I made a decision. Before I could move forward with Ben, I needed to end things with Blue.

Chapter 26

    I sat in front of the computer for what felt like hours. Really, it was probably more like twenty minutes. I agonized over exactly what I wanted to say to Blue. I didn’t want to give him false hope or set myself up for another disappointment.
    I took a deep breath and remembered the way I’d experienced the sensation of him during my meditation. This wasn’t just an e-mail, it was a letter to perhaps the only man that would ever make me feel that way.  

    Dear Blue,  

    I mean that. You are dear to me in ways I can’t begin to explain.
    You don’t deserve another chance. You have hurt me with what I can only assume has been a manipulative game.
    Of course my heart wants to believe that there is some kind of reasonable explanation for your behavior, but my heart seems to be getting me into trouble these days.
    It may not be the wisest choice on my part, but the truth is that you’re stopping me from being able to move forward with a man who I believe would treat me very well. He deserves my affection and attention, but I can’t give it to him, because when I close my eyes, it’s you that I see. When I feel a touch on my skin, it’s yours. When I feel my heart flutter, it’s because of thoughts of you.
    It is embarrassing for me to admit all of this, but you need to understand that I am not interested in just you.
    Blue, you have become a part of me—a part of my life and a part of every date I have with any other man.
    I will give you one more chance. Not for you, but for me.
    You must understand the impact your game will have on me if you decide not to show up again. I’m not just some faceless stranger on the other side of a computer. I’m a woman with a heart that is delicate and wide open.
    One more chance. That’s it.
    Sunday night—six—at Shannon’s. I’m sure you can look up the address.
    Just be there.

    Samantha  

    I didn’t read it over. I’d taken so long to write each word that I knew them by heart. I wanted him to know that I was still angry, but I also wanted him to know how important he was to me. It was time to put all of my cards on the table. If he didn’t show up, at least I’d taken the time to tell him how I really felt. It was intimidating, but I felt some relief for having spilled it all.
    Then anxiety began to creep in—about whether he would respond, whether he would show, whether or not he really was some sadistic man giggling at my obsession. Of all the aspects of falling in love that I’d focused so much on, risk wasn’t one that I’d really thought about. Now I knew that giving my heart to someone was possibly the most dangerous act I’d ever committed. It reminded me of what Max had said to me in the garden after Blue had stood me up.
    Curiosity certainly could be dangerous.  

    Later that day I tried to work on my book. The romance part was a huge stumbling block. In fact, I was at the point that it made me angry to even work on it. I felt like I was selling lies to my readers about what love was like. How could I write it without firsthand experience? Then I realized that there were tons of romance writers out there. I didn’t think that all of them had experienced romance in this way either.
    The writing group that I’d joined was focused more on refined literature. Maybe I could find a group that was just for romance writers.