Impulse by Ellen Hopkins
Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Tags: Fiction, General, Family, Juvenile Fiction, Psychology, Suicide, Social Issues, Interpersonal relations, Psychiatric hospitals, Friendship, Parents, Values & Virtues, Mental Illness, Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance, Diseases, Health & Daily Living, Depression & Mental Illness, Novels in Verse, Illnesses & Injuries
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maybe as honest as I've ever been, but did they get it? No frigging way. They'll never understand.
At least the bulldog was cool. Let ' s all relax, shall we? Assigning blame and laying guilt won ' t change the facts.
Conner seems to be doing
well. He has opened up in therapy and I believe he will excel in the classroom.
What we need to work on now is the family dynamic.
But without your cooperation,
I don ' t see how that ' s possible.
Mom reacted about as expected. We ' re here, aren ' t we? Don ' t you dare say that we have
neglected to cooperate. 297
302
What I mean, Mrs. Sykes, is that we must tone down the rhetoric. It ' s the only
way to mitigate confrontation.
No more, no less, time was up. Dad reached for my hand, shook it good-bye, just like a client. I ' m glad you ' re making progress.
Mom refused to look at me, so I took the high road. "Bye, Mom." And as I turned to go, Dr. Starr said, "Conner? Level
Three." 298
303
Guess My Level Three Status
Is safe for now. It was good to hear from Dad's lips that he took some blame for the things that have happened in my life.
God knows there ' s enough blame to go around, Anthony, he said. But it breaks my heart to know that maybe I could
have made things easier saved you pain. I had it all wrong last time, Anthony, when I said I could forgive you. 299
304
See, I asked the Man Up stairs for forgiveness. He told me I had to ask you first. Forgive me, son, for not being a father to you.
It was like he dropped a half ton of bricks, straight into my belly. If God really had something to do with this, how could I say no? On the other
hand, how could I be sure, 1. God did have something to do with it and, 2. Dad really meant what he said? "I need to think it over." 300
305
We Left It at That
Better than how we left things last time, for sure. I even let him give me a hug good-bye. It felt really weird, uncomfortable for both of us. I think I even held my breath, and when he let go, I felt numb, like he'd squeezed me too hard. Three hours later I'm still numb.
I don't know if I can step forward, let go of a decade of hard feelings, even if God does want me to. It's a damn hard test. 301
306
Part of me says, What the hell, give him a chance. It ' s not so much to ask. Another part screams, Another chance to what? Screw you over again?
This totally sucks. I mean I've been given something I dreamed about for too many years--the chance to know my father again. So why can't I embrace him?
Things were so much easier when I was just Tony, who nobody cared about. Maybe not better, but for real-- a whole lot simpler. 302
307
Think I'll Wander
Down to the rec room. See who else has been shredded today. Carmella waves as I walk through the door. Hey, Tony. What ' s shaking?
"Nothing can shake quite like you, dear. Love your blouse." She glances down at the flawless turquoise silk. This ol ' thing? Thanks!
Carmella is great--a part-time house mother at age twenty-three. My hunch is she won't last long. She cares much too much about us. 303
308
In fact, from what I've heard, the burnout rate for staff at places like this is exactly three years. Seems optimistic to me.
I can't even imagine dealing with a bunch of emotional cripples, not to mention a few total wackos, day in, day out, for three years.
And so, Tony, calls sweet Carmella, come here, tell me about your day. Why not? Who knows? Maybe she's got a personal line to the Man
Upstairs. 304
309
The Cat's Out of' the Bag
Grandma told Dr. Starr all about Mama's gear shifting, and how she ended up--minus my relatively major part in the soap opera, of course. Glad Grandma doesn't know all my secrets.
Vanessa is very protective of her mother; Grandma said. She doesn ' t often share information of such a sensitive nature. None of us do, in fact. Her father would have a conniption fit.
I can understand wanting to protect her privacy, said Dr. Starr. And I can
understand your wanting to protect your
At least the bulldog was cool. Let ' s all relax, shall we? Assigning blame and laying guilt won ' t change the facts.
Conner seems to be doing
well. He has opened up in therapy and I believe he will excel in the classroom.
What we need to work on now is the family dynamic.
But without your cooperation,
I don ' t see how that ' s possible.
Mom reacted about as expected. We ' re here, aren ' t we? Don ' t you dare say that we have
neglected to cooperate. 297
302
What I mean, Mrs. Sykes, is that we must tone down the rhetoric. It ' s the only
way to mitigate confrontation.
No more, no less, time was up. Dad reached for my hand, shook it good-bye, just like a client. I ' m glad you ' re making progress.
Mom refused to look at me, so I took the high road. "Bye, Mom." And as I turned to go, Dr. Starr said, "Conner? Level
Three." 298
303
Guess My Level Three Status
Is safe for now. It was good to hear from Dad's lips that he took some blame for the things that have happened in my life.
God knows there ' s enough blame to go around, Anthony, he said. But it breaks my heart to know that maybe I could
have made things easier saved you pain. I had it all wrong last time, Anthony, when I said I could forgive you. 299
304
See, I asked the Man Up stairs for forgiveness. He told me I had to ask you first. Forgive me, son, for not being a father to you.
It was like he dropped a half ton of bricks, straight into my belly. If God really had something to do with this, how could I say no? On the other
hand, how could I be sure, 1. God did have something to do with it and, 2. Dad really meant what he said? "I need to think it over." 300
305
We Left It at That
Better than how we left things last time, for sure. I even let him give me a hug good-bye. It felt really weird, uncomfortable for both of us. I think I even held my breath, and when he let go, I felt numb, like he'd squeezed me too hard. Three hours later I'm still numb.
I don't know if I can step forward, let go of a decade of hard feelings, even if God does want me to. It's a damn hard test. 301
306
Part of me says, What the hell, give him a chance. It ' s not so much to ask. Another part screams, Another chance to what? Screw you over again?
This totally sucks. I mean I've been given something I dreamed about for too many years--the chance to know my father again. So why can't I embrace him?
Things were so much easier when I was just Tony, who nobody cared about. Maybe not better, but for real-- a whole lot simpler. 302
307
Think I'll Wander
Down to the rec room. See who else has been shredded today. Carmella waves as I walk through the door. Hey, Tony. What ' s shaking?
"Nothing can shake quite like you, dear. Love your blouse." She glances down at the flawless turquoise silk. This ol ' thing? Thanks!
Carmella is great--a part-time house mother at age twenty-three. My hunch is she won't last long. She cares much too much about us. 303
308
In fact, from what I've heard, the burnout rate for staff at places like this is exactly three years. Seems optimistic to me.
I can't even imagine dealing with a bunch of emotional cripples, not to mention a few total wackos, day in, day out, for three years.
And so, Tony, calls sweet Carmella, come here, tell me about your day. Why not? Who knows? Maybe she's got a personal line to the Man
Upstairs. 304
309
The Cat's Out of' the Bag
Grandma told Dr. Starr all about Mama's gear shifting, and how she ended up--minus my relatively major part in the soap opera, of course. Glad Grandma doesn't know all my secrets.
Vanessa is very protective of her mother; Grandma said. She doesn ' t often share information of such a sensitive nature. None of us do, in fact. Her father would have a conniption fit.
I can understand wanting to protect her privacy, said Dr. Starr. And I can
understand your wanting to protect your
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