The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child by Marti Olsen Laney Psy.d. Page A

and separation anxiety are two universal reactions that reflect how humans bond. Infants may show fear, wariness, clinginess, and tears around unfamiliar people. This is a healthy stage that indicates that the child is developing a good connection to his parents. Parents can help the little one by reassuring him, being friendly to appropriate strangers, and by realizing that this stage will pass. Introverted children may stay in this stage a bit longer, and parents may need to serve as bridges for their toddler or child and tell others that he will warm up as he gets to know them.
    Separation anxiety is triggered when a parent moves out of visible range. It can start at about six months and generally peaks at around age two. Separating from loved ones is scary for children at certain ages and is an ongoing issue throughout life. Like stranger anxiety, it may occur under many conditions, disappear and reappearunpredictably, and have different degrees of intensity. Separation anxiety can crop up when a child goes on a sleepover, learns a new skill such as reading, or goes on a vacation. It can resurface with an older child if there’s a divorce or if the child faces any important transition. Again, innies may have a particularly strong reaction to separation. These episodes can be reduced by preparation—alerting your child about upcoming transitions and separations—and handling them in a kind but matter-of-fact way.
    The deep roots you establish with your innie will help her to manage in the outside world as she grows up. For example, my daughter Kristen used her bond with her own daughter, Emily, to create bridges to strangers. When passersby smiled at Emily, Kristen smiled back and said, “My little one has delayed smiles, so she’ll be smiling at you in a few minutes.” Strangers usually laughed and smiled back. This kind of action made the world seem friendlier to Emily. As she grows up, her strong bond with her mother and these bridging experiences become internalized. Later on, Emily’s own internal caretaker may remind her, “I have delayed smiles so I better speed up this smile.”
    Nurturing Interdependence
    “ I never saw a discontented tree. They grip the ground as though they liked it.” —John Muir
    Parents I work with often feel overwhelmed and aren’t sure where to direct their energies. Every aspect of child rearing seems so important. What should they focus on? Understanding what your innie needs makes your job easier and more enjoyable. Knowing innie vulnerabilities relieves the pressure of guesswork. You can be prepared for trouble spots and reduce the urge to blame your child or to experience those awful pangs of parenting guilt. And as for potential behavior problems in the future, you can nip them in the bud.
    Every child shows hints and signs of his natural bent. Within your child’s behaviors and moods are clues for how best to parent him. Observing your introverted child’s patterns and noting how your child responds are important ways for you to learn how to meet his needs. Things are not always what they seem at first glance. For example, parents may think their introverted child is highly dependent because he is sensitive or cautious. On the other hand, if an innie tends to be withdrawn or internally focused, he may seem more independent. However, this may or may not be true. Once he’s made his initial assessment of a situation, the cautious child may be quite independent. And the internally focused child may long to be more connected to his parents but simply not know how to tell you what he needs. As you understand your innie’s energy patterns—learn to read his or her needs for connection and solitude, and establish good lines of communication with your child—you will be able to decode subtle signals with increasing ease.
    Child rearing is a paradox: A child only develops wings and becomes independent if he has established strong roots of de pendence with you. Your child was