The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child by Marti Olsen Laney Psy.d. Page B

born with his own little seeds to grow to independence and maturity through his attachment to you. The seemingly opposing capacities of dependence and independence ultimately lead to the most mature relational ability: interdependence.
    Here are four vital things you can do to forge close bonds with your innie:
• Offer the assurance of proximity . Although your innie may be in another room or seem to be oblivious as to the presence of family members, she is actually highly attuned to her parents’ whereabouts. She is calmed by your proximity. You are available if needed. (Talking on the phone is the quickest way to be reminded that a young child needs you. The moment you start talking, your previously happily occupied child suddenly needs your attention so as to be reassured that you know she’s there.)
• Provide a safe haven . Your innie looks to family members who are familiar, reliable, calm, and caring in order to experiencethem as safe havens. Loud voices, tension, and overt fighting undermine this perception of safety. The innie child seeks the comfort of predictability from the parent in order to build trust.
• Teach your innie how to engage and disengage . This is the delicate dance that underlies all human relationships: engaging and disengaging. Parents teach innies that interacting is fun through enjoyable, affirming engagement—eye contact, conversation, and connection. Disengagement (looking away, quiet time, release) allows the child space to appreciate her or his separateness.
    Real communication requires this back-and-forth flow. Without it, interactions are awkward, stilted, and one-sided. You may have talked with someone and noticed a lack of flow. It’s uncomfortable. The ability to engage and disengage establishes the rhythms of relating. This helps children learn to be together and apart, to give and to take, and to communicate in a two-way exchange.
• Offer a portable yet secure base . You and your child play, talk, have fun, and enjoy each other’s company. Such experiences, repeated again and again, help in the creation of your child’s internal caretaker, which gives her emotional self-sufficiency. They also help her develop a basic sense of self-confidence. Other relationships and learning experiences build on this core sense of self, culminating in an internal sense of security. As she grows up, your child will refer to this built-in secure base and take it wherever she goes. Innies in particular must have a sturdy, internal foundation as they confront a world where they need to adapt.
    Child development experts say the capacity for interdependence is built through particular moments in a parent/child relationship, such as when a child is hurt or needs comfort or when parents leave and return. Can the child ask for help and reassurance? Can she acknowledge your leaving and perhaps cry? When the two of you reunite, can she reconnect with you? Can she seek comfort? Thesemoments heighten her need for you to be a safe, trustworthy person. If you and your child have a good bond, that trust is confirmed. The trust that’s built up enables you to help her overcome the innie’s natural reluctance to venture out into the world. A positive bond develops both aspects of interdependence—dependence and independence—so that your innie can trust others and feel secure in herself.
    Teach the Importance of Temperament
    “ We have all come on different ships but we’re in the same boat now.” —Dr. Martin Luther King Jr .
    Speak with your children about temperament. Even very young children can understand that people are born with unique personalities. Explain that part of temperament is about where someone gets his energy and where he focuses his attention—inside himself or outside himself. Understanding the idea of temperament will help your child weather any perceived criticisms of his introverted nature; this way he knows there’s a reason for his responses and needs, and he won’t take